Apparently my last semi-depression post got some people really concerned for me and all, which kind of freaked me out but at the same time feel really blessed and glad that you guys care so much to actually say something. I feel quite 'pai-sei' actually to say this but thanks again and I promise to try not to melt down in future but try to spill my guts more.
Anyway, today was my last day of university life! There was no big bang celebration or anything but I guess the sentimental feelings will come out later. Right now I'm too preoccupied with the impending doom of the exams.
I shouldn't even be blogging right now but it's a Friday night and well, studying on Friday nights should be for nerds and geekoids the whole year round.
So that means I should turn into a geekazoid now considering it is my last semester or my last university year of life.
All that is going to be fueling my body, mind and soul for the rest of the month till exams are over will be brunch bars, fast food, lots of snacks, caffeinated coffee, midnight hot Milo (the drink, not the hotness Ventimiglia), bananas, Justin Timberlake, Hillsong, Il Divo, (sane) friends to push me onwards, baking time outs, and lots of prayers to uphold.
I want to declare a hiatus on the blog for a while but I'm afraid that I'll break this promise to myself pretty soon one of those nights that I start to feel my mind go numb.
La dee da.
Feeling drained these past few days. I try to put on a brave face though. It hurts but I still try. Sometimes it gets too exhausting that I just want to cry. But I suck it up and continue with this facade.
I realise I shouldn't. But there's just this pride that I continuously face every day. It's nothing new. It's just me. It frustrates me all the time but I don't know what else I can do about it.
I should talk to someone about it but I don't know how. Don't get me started on how many people I know I can talk to. It's just that there's this invisible veil over me that I have yet to penetrate to allow me to do so.
So maybe my problem isn't so uncommon. I know that too. But sometimes I just want to say, so what? If I give my time to other people so much can't I have just ten minutes to myself some day? But I don't. I can't afford that.
There are some days that I feel tired. Just so tired. It feels like all the energy has been sapped from my body and I want to do nothing but stone in front of the mindless computer and watch a few shows. But nothing comes out of it. I know that too.
I seem to know a lot of things yet I don't.
Just last Thursday, I cried for almost ten minutes. It just happened in the night when I was doing some work and listening to some music in between. Every tear shed was like an ounce of my body being weathered away. It could be the resultant stress for so long that kept on piling up that eventually without warning, my body and soul couldn't take it anymore and decided to let the flood gates open. Blood shot eyes and battered soul, I just decided to call it a night and went to bed the earliest I went to in a long time.
Let the sleep rejuvenate me. Wash over me to prepare for a new dawn.
My body is being stubborn again. My soul wants to want out and reach for someone. I do too.
I just feel so drained. God, please reveal to me a saving grace and let me let out.
Unfortunately there won't be any deep and thought provoking or even mildly interesting points and facts of life that I should be ranting on about this morning.
Instead, I'll be stating some very blatantly boring as wheat events and little occurrences that have been going on in my life because that's what we really want to know now, right?
I'll be graduating in about two months time but the effect and gravity of this situation has not fully allowed my brain to comprehend this yet. I'm hopelessly fully unemployed in the future though there is that part time stint I have which I am grateful for and hope something will come off it soon.
I don't know why I've been sort of keeping this in the down low for a while now but for almost a month and a half now, I've been attending church, joining a cell group and doing that whole worship/praise God/upholding prayers. It's not that no one is interested but that I think sometimes just bringing up a sensitive topic like religion no less Christianity is a taboo at this time when we are supposedly very open and embracing differences.
Quite honestly, I am still struggling with becoming and forming myself into what we like to call a "good Christian". I am so far away from even beginning to think of myself a "true Christian" much less a good one.
Nevertheless, after years of denying the fact that I have strayed and blamed it on certain people and consequences, I realize that what I had done was not right and aim to correct that wrong which I have also convinced myself in the past that it wasn't my fault.
It's definitely hard to accept that and took quite a while and some tears to allow me to fully realize that but I think I've got the hang of actually accepting my flaws and not denying them any longer but to do something about them.
Which leads me to how this has sort of affected the way I do things now. It's not changed very much but sort of like it's aligned my priorities a lot better now than I had hoped it would. Considering the doom of exams are just lurking behind that corner, this couldn't have come at a better time.
I don't like admitting the fact that I can be quite closed up sometimes and have difficulty opening up about certain issues but since joining a cell group, I think this has allowed me to improve on that and discover new people and quirks which I never imagined to meet before. Which is a good thing by the way. As you know I don't like mentioning too many names in this here l'il blog o mine but I think you know who you are. If you don't then look and listen more closely.
The last assignment of my natural university going life is to be completed by Thursday and it's worth 6.5% of the total assessment for the subject. That's a bit of an anticlimax. Oh well.
I have classes very soon and hopefully this new journey that I have somehow stumbled upon will take me to places that I can only hope for and of course pray for.
I really am a lazy arse.
I seriously cannot be stuffed to do any updating on life and stuff like that. It's just way too much work.
But apparently catching up on my favourite weekly TV junky/dramedy/spooky/creepy/funny shows is not.My priorities are negatively skewed, I know.
To make up for my complete lack of intellectualness that some readers seem to think my blog has become or is, here are some drool worthy shots I found swimming in the web.
Milo is the hotness. Enough said.
When did Texas have such pretty people?
Jared pwn/owns Jensen.
Hugh Laurie is hot. Say what you will.
Alrighty. Now go watch those shows that I've listed on my sidebar. I missed my pretty boys and hotties.