The Misanthropic Misadventures of an Idealist

Thursday, June 30, 2005 | 21:24

why?

I just disgustingly consumed half a slice of Oreo cheesecake for dessert. Yuck.

Not the taste of the cake but of the thought of the fatness that is creeping through my thighs, arms and tummy now. No more indulgences for a long time now. At least for the rest of the year.

I know that there was a purpose to this post but I can't seem to recall that now. I might get back later when I remember what I had wanted to say.

Oh, and I finished reading 'Robin Hood' this morning. S'alright. Got bored and tired of reading over how great and pious and wonderful of a man he was, so that was a definite downer. Moving on to Coelho's first book, 'The Pilgrimage', for a bit of soul searching.

Jill |

Sunday, June 26, 2005 | 01:33

i'm you!

Just passing the time.

Congratulations jillian, you are...

minishorts of minishorts.net

You are outgoing, direct, smart, pretty, and a definite go-getter. You are frank, a little too frank perhaps that sometimes you get on people's nerves and make them very upset. If people attack you, you hit back with triple the force without blinking because you are the kind of person who knows exactly what you are talking about or else you wouldn't talk about it. Your quick-thinking is what makes you special. You are an elitist.

Which Malaysian Blogger Are You?

What I found odd was that on minishorts's blog post she got Kenny Sia. Hmm. Interesting, no?

I love the fact that I'm apparently an elitist. In your face ordinary people. Muahaha.

I'm going to go crawl into my bed sheets now and stay there for the next twenty four hours.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit at 23:50 hours.

Congratulations jill, you are...

Dr Liew of drliew.net

You are such a silly and cartoonish person. You are confident, quick-witted and have a natural sense of humour. Even during the most stressful times, you keep your cool, live by the rules and focus on solving the task at hand. To your friends, you are always that loyal companion standing by their side, cheering them up when they're feeling down. You have virtually no enemies. People simply enjoy having you around.

Which Malaysian Blogger Are You?

I think I like this blogger profile better. It sounds more me. The cartoony part, that is. And no, I don't and hope I don't look like Dr. Evil.

Jill |

Thursday, June 23, 2005 | 22:45

unduly timing

Suffocation. That's what I'm feeling right now. I feel lost. The world seems to be closing in on me. There's no more room for me to breathe. My mind is frazzled enough as it is already without the added stress and tension from worrying about my MKT110 appeal paper and now I've got two rather big assignments to be completed in two weeks time. I'm getting very anxious and nervous about completing them on time and getting a good grade on it too. I don't want to have to go through that whole fiasco of failing and stuff again. It's too stressful for me to handle.

A lot people seem to think that the grade was probably a mistake and it'll change but what if it doesn't? Will I have to repeat that subject again? And how can I when I can only take my last two subjects in the third and last semester of this year provided I don't fail my FLAW100 or I can't take LAW110 then. That would mean I would have to stay back in this country to retake the bloody course all over again. I think I'd just die. I can't stay back! There's no way I want to or will stay back. If I could leave now for any place aside from anywhere in Malaysia I'd leave in a heart beat. I never thought I'd be so anxious to leave this place before. Just earlier this year I was feeling a little homesick just thinking about leaving home but now I can't bear the thought of staying here for another day lest one more year in this hellhole. I should've just left when I had the chance. But there's no point in regretting my decision now as what's done is done. Though it would be good, really good, if I could turn back the clock and go back to that moment when my parents asked me about whether I really wanted to stay back and study or just go straight to Australia and study there. I'd kick and punch my past self in the head and ass to say a resounding YES to that proposal and I'd be there right now and none of this of crap would probably be happening. My notebook doesn't seem to want to cooperate with me on doing one of my assignments so I'll be forced to relegate myself to my brother's desktop computer for the next few days to work on my Business Statistics assignment which mainly deals with this tool in Microsoft Excel that my Excel doesn't support or maybe it's just toying with me and then after I'm done with my assignment and happily hand it in, it decides to work with me again. Why do these things always happen to me at the worst possible times?

In other news, I actually managed to get through to Mix.fm yesterday morning when I was driving to college in the morning. My handphone was on loudspeaker so I was quite safe alright. It was just a random call-in thing, where the topic of the morning was about which celebrity(ies) you would like to spend a relaxing Sunday morning or afternoon with and why, and not a price-winning one unfortunately. It's just too darn difficult to get through for those call-ins. Anyway, I do not sound like myself at all and the things that you hear on the radio are really not live at all and are actually recorded as I found out myself. And of all things I forgot to say goodbye at the end of my call. My manners just went out the window from the slightly overwhelming excitement of getting through to a radio station.

I managed to squeeze in some movie watching time this afternoon when I got back from college and running a few errands. 'Sin City' turned out actually pretty good. If you like black and white/noir-slasher-mob-gun toting baddies-and partially full frontal nudity movies. This time I didn't place much expectations on this film as I really had no idea or references whatsoever to aid me in my watching this movie. Main highlights would be Bruce Willis because he just seems like the ideal redemption-cop-turned-baddie-for-good, in my opinion, Elijah Wood doing some really quite cool kick-ass moves while not speaking a word in the entire movie and looking incredibly creepy as well with glasses, Alexis Bledel in a non-conventional role other than that of 'Gilmore Girls', and Josh Hartnett for once not playing a goofball role in a movie. Can't reveal too much about the movie too because of spoiler alerts. I'd watch this again on the big screen just to fully realise that experience of cinema watching. I'd give it a 8.2 out of 10.

'Lost' is coming up in fifteen minutes with 'Nip/Tuck' at 11.45 later. My life seems to revolve around television series and movies a little too much. Well, at least anime is out of my system for the mean time.
Oh, and I managed to finally obtain 'The Invisible Ring' by Anne Bishop which is supposedly the prequel to the 'Black Jewels Trilogy'. I know I should've just gotten the book right after reading BJT but I just keep forgetting to get it or when I do remember about it the nearest book store to me doesn't stock it or it's just too far for me to go hunting for it. Now, I just need to get 'Dreams Made Flesh' to complete the collection.

Happy coming weekend people.

Jill |

Sunday, June 19, 2005 | 23:45

jamming together

Today was the day. The day that was supposed to be filled with non-stop and music filled fun. Alas, my expectations were not met and so henceforth I shall stop trying to meet up to the high expectations I always seem to have for almost everything I do, watch, attend or see.

So, Fete de la Musique. Arrived at the main campus of HELP at 10 am to take the bus to Low Yat Plaza to sign in. KL looked really empty. It felt a bit weird. To see KL too empty I mean. Roamed around a bit and even managed to stop by Borders at Times Square to browse around. I just love this book shop for its incredibly wide selection of books and manga and comics and graphic novels. Found the paperback 'The Invisible Ring' by Anne Bishop at an affordable price but can't buy it just yet because I just have too many (unread) books in my room as of late. I can't believe that they actually hold manga now but translated to English for us non-Japanese speaking or reading folks. Felt the strong urge to just charge it and scurry away to read them all. But can't as time was running out and we needed to be at Sungai Wang Plaza where I was stationed at.

I suppose I should reiterate on what my expectation of such a musical fest was going to be. I imagined a cool spot under a canopy where French or even local indie acts would casually play acoustic instruments to the crowd and pull them in with relaxing music and sultry vocals. But, no. All we got were head-bangers and emo rock or alternative-pop, I don't know anymore what they genre-ed themselves, screaming their lungs out to the shopping people whom were casting wary looks on us, the "groupies" I have dubbed us. Our job was to stir up some excitement among the crowd to get them revved up for the performances. Except I wasn't too up for the task as it was really sweltering hot and the supersized shirts that we wore were of all colours; black. A blistering black in this Malaysian heat. After a few screaming matches among each other over the decibel-blaring "music" we retreated into the cool interior of Sungai Wang to get some much needed refreshments. My parched throat was just screaming for anything ice-cold. Coke never tasted so good.

Returned for more same-sounding bands and thankfully the crowd was building up so we weren't needed that much and got to relax a bit. Still hot as usual but without the jumping around which was good. The only most interesting band of all the bands were this one band who had this saxophinist in their group and they called themselves a jazz rock band, which before today I have never heard of. Sadly, the bass and guitar riffs just drowned out the soothing sax sounds much to my disappointment. When our shift was over, we finally headed back to LYP where the main stage was located. And, lo and behold, there was this acoustic performance, with guitar and drums or maybe bongos, going on with some French dude singing in French! And everyone was all composed and just enjoying the music in a calm and collected manner. Now this was what I expected a French music festival to be. Not some moshing session with crazed head-bangers and emo-rockers. Why didn't I get stationed there? Of all the time to be at the wrong place and at the wrong time. I could only enjoy it for ten minutes tops before departing to go home and rest my weary head and feet.

I'm tired and I have a headache. Loud noises do not suit me well. My right ear seems to be ringing. Only slightly so I don't think it's a cause of concern. The fest is still going on till midnight. And there's supposedly better bands going up then. Unfortunately, we got stuck with the not-so-good ones. Don't plan to do this again next year.

Mom managed to acquire the 'Sin City' DVD for me today. (Don't tell anyone but it's pirated.) Yippee. Been waiting for weeks now. Hope to watch it soon even with assignments going on. And then there's tutorials too. Eeps. I'll just have to make time.

I have a new thing to do while surfing aimlessly in the web. Stumbled across a few sites which sold cool vintage shirts but are just too pricy for my purse. But there are some $10 shirts but after the conversion and shipping costs, it doesn't appeal to me very much in the end. So seduced to order them online but I don't think my dad would approve of me squandering e-money away on the web. Got. To. Restraint. Myself. I really like the shirts from Cotton Factory, Threadpit and Hoboco. Retroduck has a few cute ones too but doesn't hold a wide selection as the other three. Such. Temptation.

I love the yellow coloured vegetable tee from Cotton Factory.

Jill |

Friday, June 17, 2005 | 22:16

victim of satire

Completed '1984' this afternoon after a spate of television lounging and snacking. Wanted to watch 'The Final Cut' this morning but the DVD player is being stupid so I've been relegated to watching it on my notebook later or another day when I'm feeling movie-starved.

What did I think of '1984'? Good. Not spectacular in a fireworks display way (Wow, where did that come from?), but a highly intriguing read which makes you think and ponder. I love thinking books like these even though some people don't see the fascination in them like I do. I don't know which one I liked better; '1984' or 'Animal Farm', but I'm leaning more towards '1984' now after just having read it. I can understand why so many readers now find the book intellectually stimulating but a little too deep for those with short attention spans I think. And I have something to confess. I did skip half of this part in the book where there was a very long excerpt of another book in the book, '1984'. It just got too mind-numbingly boring for me to pursue reading it any longer after the first half of it despite my claiming to the cousin that I could do it. I feel like such a hypocrite now! Aren't we all anyway. It's definitely in my top twenty list of books to read now but not top ten unfortunately. The setback could be due to the sometimes drawn out monologues of the characters where they try to stir some political or satirical feelings out of you. As one who dislikes anything political, personally I didn't enjoy those parts. Political satire fans would like this book very much. Though I think most of these people have already read it way before I did so there's not much point in suggesting this title to them now.

I have now officially three weeks more to complete my first assignment of this semester and I have naught to start it. The feeling of guilt is sinking in fast. Got to get over it quick if I don't want to screw up another semester.

I know I had lots of stuff in my head during the day that I wanted to spew out here for all to read and relish in. Apparently the ideas just decided to decimate itself within my brain before I could fish them out of there. Another day then will I get to impart my semi-stimulating thoughts and ideas upon the world.

It's really been a long time since I last ranted. I've even forgotten the feelings of delightful rush and adrenaline pumping through me when I'm on a roll of venting my frustrations and almost sarcastic ridicules on the world. I miss those feelings. Sounds a bit too sadistic though. Even for me.

I just recalled something though. What would you do if you had all the power in the world and became the leading super power of every country? I really don't know what I would do because I've never been near enough to experience that feeling even at the least. I suppose it would be too overwhelming for me to take it all in and would just leave it all to my one hundred over assistants to think for me about what I would do with that power and immense wealth that comes with it. I'd just pay someone to do all my thinking for me. It's dangerous but I've always wanted to do that for some reason. Not needing to think too deeply about certain matters while I just relax and concern myself with, well, myself. I wouldn't need to buy designer clothes as I'd get all the famed designers to dress and design for my own personal wardrobe. All the great chefs in the world would present me with only the most exquisite of appetizers, entrees, hors d'oeuvre, and desserts. If I'm too lazy to work out with my personal trainers I'd just take the easy way out and get plastic surgery to smoothen over the imperfections.

Sounds materialistic? You can scorn me all you want for thinking that way but don't we all want it all if we could? If only we could. But we can't, so all we really have are illicit dreams and unrealistic wishes. Oh, to be rich. And powerful. And omniscient. Someone will do that one day. It just won't be me because it takes a long time to get that power. And I wouldn't want to be living in a world where there would be someone like that ruling over me. Unless that person is I.

Jill |

Tuesday, June 14, 2005 | 22:50

hauntings

This is my new thing. As in what I do currently when I can't concentrate on my tutorial questions and assignments that are due soon. It's really quite addictive as it leads from one to another. Sometimes it's just a casual glance or a complete walkthrough. Some are not too bad while some just looked too darn nice.

Blog hopping.

Yup. It started from Adam's blog. The skinny guy from 8TV. From there I just branched out to other blogs that was linked on his site. I don't even remember how I stumbled onto his blog in the first place but I did evidently. So, the following are just some of my picks that I managed to scour and dug up a bit. They're mostly Malaysians, I think, but either are living overseas or studying abroad or something like that.

Xiaxue - I personally don't really like her blog but apparently a lot of other people do so I'm just listing this down for the sake of "popularity".

kan53rus - Love the blog layout. Simple and clean. And ~~she~~ he has a deviantArt account too. (Sorry for the confusion. I guess I got too caught up in this bloghopping business.)

Isis - His blog seems to revolve around music and iPod.

Jay&Kay - I actually found this blog an interesting read. Can't speak for other people's taste though but reader and viewer's discretion is advised.

Blacklighter - Love the layout too. Very organised and techy looking.

ohjon - I love foreigners' blogs talking about Malaysia and their stay here.

Gavin - I hope I can learn something about staying in Australia from his stories.

Colin Poh - Another Malaysian based student in Australia. I love white background layouts alright.

Kimberley - The second girl-run blog. Yes, I do deviate to reading a girl's blog sometimes.

Jonathan Poh - I wonder if he's related to Colin. Cool design and graphics site.

Ben - A ~~non~~-Malaysian New Yorker who does pretty cool photography. (Another embarrassing mix-up. I've really got to proof-read more often.)

Lainie - She's...nice.

Kat - A girly blog. But I like the layout too. Why is everyone's blog so attractive except for mine.

I think I've listed a pretty long and exhaustive list for now. I just needed something to put my mind off work for a while. Visit them at your own free will. Back to researching about 'stare decisis' and the adversarial system of trial and dabbling in probability as well.

Random fact of the day: The ceiling lamp above my desk is officially dead now as it's been flickering on and off for the past few days and so it decided to pass on yesterday into the lightless abyss. I'm too lazy to change the bulb and am depending on my table lamp for illumination now. And I actually like it that it's not so bright at this side of my room. Gives the room a darker feel.

I should get paid for advertising this but as previously mentioned in a few posts back, I'll be one of the crew members for this year's Fête de la Musique doing all the little stuff. So come and have some fun if you can make it to either KL this Sunday or 1Utama on Saturday and Sunday. I'll be in the KL one from 12 to 6 pm.

Jill |

Sunday, June 12, 2005 | 01:46

obsession

There's this phase where I have to go through most of the time when I discover something new that I like or am raving over. Sometimes it just dies down after a few minutes or hours and sometimes it can continue for up to a week or so. It's a very unhealthy habit of mine but I have no intention of curbing it for the next few years or so.

I've been listening to mainly the official music from 'Les Choristes' the entire day now and am listening to the a capella version of 'In Memoriam' as I type this down. Jean-Baptiste's voice is just so hypnotic. Every time his solo comes up I get this weird chill on my arm. I'm dying to get the DVD now just to watch him again. And every single time I listen to 'Les avions en papier' I just have to smile. It's just a very uplifting song that instantly cheers me up. I have nary a clue as to what I'm listening to but I don't care. I like to pretend that I know what I'm swaying to while I wistfully enjoy the music.

The day was half spent examining why I really liked the movie and not just because of Maunier. Like I mentioned yesterday, the plot is really simple and nothing complicated. The characters are really quite strong enough to carry the film as there's a quite diverse and typical cast of them. I think there was an oxymoron somewhere in that previous sentence. I love the fact that the cast are actually not really and extremely beautiful like people as in like in Hollywood where everyone has to be perfect and make love to the camera like their lives depend on it. These films have such raw emotion that even a dumb cow should feel just the slightest. That's a bit too exagerrated now but you get the point. They have flaws like real people do and they're not afraid to show them. Well, maybe except for Jean as he seems to be the most perfect looking one in the show. He simply looks good from practically every angle the camera pans on him. But it could just be the excellent lighting that showed him up on his best side. I really want to see how he'll look like ten years from now. It would be a pity if his boyish charm has been washed off by then but I hope the tenacity in his eyes will still be there.

This line from the said movie just stuck on me;

"He has the face of an angel, but he's the spawn of the devil."

That just really says it all about Morhange.

I can't believe I didn't just go straight to this official site for the plethora of photos that actually managed to capture his good side even though it's all in French but I could actually make out some stuff that I forced myself to understand. I truly must be obsessed enough to mention the same topic twice in two consecutive days. I want to learn French now just to try to sing along to the songs.

I've abandoned my work for the second day in a row now just to listen to music. I hope this phase is a short one. Oh, and online web(window?) shopping is such fun. Though I really don't like ebay.com.my because there's such limited choices there. 'Queer Eye' is coming on soon. I've not been watching the show for a week or two now so I think I should go back to watching it now.

Au revoir.

Jill |

Saturday, June 11, 2005 | 00:35

choir boy

I think I found myself a new toy boy to gush over. But I feel like such a paedophile for oohing and ahhing over a 15 year old. Nevertheless, when you actually see him on screen you wouldn't not think I'm crazy and deluded.

Well, I spent the entire day out today from 10 in the morning till 8 just a few hours ago. The main highlight of the day was of course the movie watching of 'Les Choristes' or 'The Choir'. Generic storyline where a teacher comes to a delinquent rundown school and with the power of music manages to tame the rowdy boys to change them into a choir of singing sensation. But I like it nonetheless. Jean-Baptiste Maunier as Pierre Morhange is a living breathing angel. Honestly, I think I could not stop staring at him throughout the movie. He's the perfect likeness of a gorgeous and beautiful Bottecelli angel with a youthful and haunting voice to match too. His most striking features have to be his almost too perfect looking sharp facial structure and deep-set eyes. His photos somehow doesn't do him justice as in the film. I have to find the DVD now. The only reason I'd see the movie again would be just to look at him. I think I'm teetering on the edge of being an obsessed temp fan. But the other kid; Perrin, Maxence as Pepinot was really cute too. And the music was good as well. What can you really expect from a choir of young boys with unbroken voices?

Am I the only person in awe with him? God, I'm weird.

I think the worst part of it all is that once Jean-Baptiste's voice breaks, he's going to be just another French teen with raging hormones and a former child star rep to go with it. I just hope he doesn't go down the same road as some other child *cough*Macaulay-Culkin*cough* star.

Yeah, this post today was basically just a platform for me to gush over the said boy. Pertaining to my real life, I've spontaneously volunteered to offer my "services" at a French Music Festival next week on June 19th, which is a Sunday, to do some so-called dubbed 'roadie' work. I have absolutely no idea what I'll exactly be doing but I hope it doesn't involve lugging around heavy sound equipments or handing out water bottles or anything of that sort. It would be nice if I could sneak into backstage and mingle with the music people. I can dream, can't I. But yes, anyone interested in a music fest, come down to Bukit Bintang, KL then. I'll be there from 12 to 6 pm.

And I have to get started on my tutorial questions and assignments too. Soon. More like tomorrow and Sunday if I want to go out the following week. Go catch a French language film by this Sunday at Mid Valley as it's the last day. More specifically, go watch 'Les Choristes' if not for the boy.

Jill |

Sunday, June 05, 2005 | 22:14

french fries

Or is it chips? Hmm. A vague misconception due to the saturation of American culture or are they really called french fries? One of the many un-needed and unwanted questions to be answered in life.

I feel cultured. Well, partly cultured, I suppose. You can't exactly just sit through one French language film and come out totally and wholly cultured now, can you? But at least I can say that I've been to a French Film Festival thing once now. And I might just be going for another or two more films the next Friday too if I can wager them into my "tight" schedule.

Arrived at Mid Valley and met up with Lane, "the cousin", and Kuan Eng, a friend of hers who owns a really cool car. And I do mean really seriously cool car. Proceeded to procure the tickets and then had a leisurely long lunch at "Chili's". The Quesidilla (or something like that) Explosion salad is really good. Talking over bottomless fruit juices and coffee about almost everything under the sun once a week is good for the soul. (Hence the aforementioned 'french fries' thing above.) I should make it a point to do that more often now to relax from my god-awful college week. If only my purse can hold up to those occasions, I've got it made.

Anyway, after that it was time for the movie. We watched 'Nickel and Dime' or 'A la petite semaine'. I have to be frank and say that it really wasn't what I expected after reading the summary for the movie beforehand because I went into it expecting some French godfather slash mobster like movie. But it turned out to be a quite warm and gentle type of movie. Not the guns and blood movie I was expecting though I'm generally a very non-violent movie advocate. Plot-wise, it wasn't that engaging and uncomplicated but I liked it for some reason. There were a few funny moments that were really non-jokingly or slapstick funny but geniunely witty. And the main characters were really good too, especially Jacques and Francis. Overall, a 7 out of 10.

Back to the grime tomorrow. Yuck, I feel so lifeless now. Tutorial questions to be completed and assignments to get started on. Hopefully, I can make it through the week unscathed to enjoy more French films at the end of the week and maybe a little shopping time for birthday presents too even though I'm fairly broke now.

Jill |

Saturday, June 04, 2005 | 00:32

nostalgic

I think 'The Fox and the Hound' just became my favourite nostalgic Disney movie ever. The sleeping beauty comes in a close second now. But 'The Beauty and the Beast' still remains my firm all time favourite Disney movie. (Refer back to last post, also on Disney movies.) I was just casually channel surfing when suddenly there was this show on in Disney Channel. The last time I watched it was probably at least ten years ago since this movie was made before I even arrived in this earth. I think the "second" viewing of it just pulled my heartstrings even more now to edge its way to the top of the list.

Anyways, yeah back to the movie. It just brought back memories of watching these old Disney classics with fantastic storylines and characters. Everything depended on those two things where the animation was really quite mediocre as compared to today's technology and stuff. Even having not watched this movie for so many years, I could still vaguely remember what happened next and all. My favourite but saddest scene of all was when the old lady drove Tod, the fox, out into the wild and set him free despite him not wanting to leave her. Then the sad music came on. That was it. The tears just came streaming down. Not bawling and sobbing like but there were tears. Don't you just love crying movies? And puppy Copper and cub (or is it pup too?) Tod are just so adorable!

And I swear that I had the movie on tape too. Just don't know where it is now. Strangely enough I think there is a very strong resemblance of Tod with the humanistic animal version of Robin Hood. Or maybe I should say that Tod looks like Robin since 'Robin Hood' was created before 'The Fox and the Hound'. Coincidentally, I really like watching Robin Hood too. The foxy one I mean. And not forgetting the one in tights too. Anyways, the resemblances are definitely there. Why am I only realising this now? Hmm. I guess I wasn't very perceptive in my less than attentive years. And I really do think that I did have the 'Robin Hood' video too. Somewhere in the house collecting dust probably.

So, yes, that was a bit of a nostalgic moment for me there but I think it's passed on for now. Well, I submitted my appeal letter already but I think I'm going to go ask my lecturer anyway to enquire on what happened to my results come Monday. Oh, and I think I'm going to catch a foreign language film this Sunday too. A French one at that, complimentary of the cousin's invitation and interest that piqued my own. My first film festival viewing! Can't wait. It's also sort of my unofficial last weekend of non-studying and non-mugging in college so it's time to savour the dregs of holiday past before commencing another three months of assignments and exams.

Jill |

Thursday, June 02, 2005 | 21:43

mixes

Hmm. Yes, watched EP3 today, I did. It was fairly interesting plot-wise but really quite exciting. And Hayden definitely buffed up a lot this time. I wonder why people said that it was a tear-jerker. Well, I did feel sad for Anakin but that was the extent of it. To be really frank, Hayden's acting skills are not what I imagined them to be and was quite disappointed by him. It seemed that he basically decided to stick with one glaring look and went through the whole movie with that plastered face of feigned seriousness and angst. I think he was better in 'Life as a House' as this weirded and spaced out goth kid with black laquered nails and black eye-liner. And go Ewan McGregor because he's still cool no matter what roles he play. He's just very likeable. And I really disliked Natalie Portman because she just seemed quite fake to me. Like she was trying too hard. Nevertheless, it actually ended a lot earlier than I expected it to be. Or maybe the time just passed me by so fast that I didn't notice it. Whatever the case may be I think I like R2D2 a lot now after this movie. He's a cool robot thingy. Yups.

No, I haven't converted to being a Lucas fan as I am still very loyal to the LOTR community. I'm just glad that it's over now. Now it's time for Potter fandom to wash us all away come the end of the year.

Alright now. My anger and frustration over the yesterday mentioned main topic seemed to have subsided a notch down today. But now I just feel like ripping down the posted results papers on the notice board in college everytime I pass by it. And I have to pass by it everytime I go for lectures as it's on the way to the classrooms. But I must remain calm and cool. Composure is key. I can empathise with Anakin's feelings now as sometimes I do feel like I haven't been able to fulfill my utmost potential and there's something holding me back. I want to be able to do stuff but I can't. It's really frustrating and annoying that I just want to lash out at someone or anything or the next thing I get hold off. Yeah, I sound really quite violent now, don't I. But I think most everyone would feel like that at least once in their lifetimes.

That feeling where you just want to rip everything you touch into shreds and be just as destructive as you possibly can. I do. And it's not a pretty time to know what's happening in my mind during that moment.

And then I'll have my breakdown moments where I just want to give everything up and crawl into a hole and never come out forever. Last night when I went to bed was one of those moments. It's shallow but I actually felt that the world was crumbling away when I faced up to the fact that what would happen if I can't get my Marketing grade changed and upgraded to a Pass or a Credit. Does that mean I would have to retake the whole semester again or just the test? What if I don't get to graduate and go on to Melbourne? So many 'what if's and too little answers. It may not mean much ten years from now but to hell with ten years from now. It's the now that's important and last night I really felt like crashing down and never getting up again. I couldn't bear to think of that thought but I had to if I'm ever to wake up tomorrow. I hate myself for thinking like that. I really hate that this whole fucked up situation is happening to me right now.

It's like retribution or something. Because you never think that something like that would happen to you and then when it does, you don't know what to do or react accordingly. It sucks a lot. I can testify for that. Anyways, I feel quite sick now as I just ate a whole mango, popcorn, and half a papaya in the last three hours. Don't worry the mango was a small one and the papaya wasn't too big too.

Jill |

Wednesday, June 01, 2005 | 21:54

warning

Expletives and foul language ahead. Children and elderly like people are advised not to proceed reading this entry further than this. Don't say I didn't warn you.

First, I'd like to start off with some not-so-mild ranting and off-the-screen screaming matches with my notebook's screen. Went to college today hoping for just another uneventful and unfulfilling day considering what there is to do there other than listen to lecturers who hope that you listen to them at least half the time during the entire two hours. Settled some fee payment stuff. And discovered that I actually failed Marketing Principles. Yes. Failed. I have never failed anything in my life. Not even my driving test. Not nothing. Ever. Till today.

That is just the absolute fucked up result ever. I don't fail. Sorry for being all high and mighty but I just don't fail. I couldn't accept it. Considering I got a High Distinction for Accounting 1 and a Distinction for Microeconomics as tabulated in the final results release, a Fail is unacceptable! Even for Marketing Principles. It's fucking not acceptable at all. So, yes, after I breathed in very deeply for a few minutes and relaxed for a moment to take it all in, I decided to appeal to find out what happened. There has to be a stupid mistake made somewhere in the bloody computer system where some clerk probably got my results mixed up with another student's. I know I probably would not have done that well in my final exam but I think I'd deserve a Credit at the very least. I think as I recall I got a 6/10 for my first MKT assignment and a 32 or 33/40 for the second one. Making that maybe at the least 38/50 which constitutes for 50% of the total weightage of the subject. That means I could not possibly have gotten a meagre 11 out of 50 for my finals now could I? Even the most blur person couldn't have got that! Fuck again. I should get at least 30/50 for my finals which would make the final score a 62/100 at the least which is a Credit to my knowledge.

So, now I've got to apparently write a letter proposing that I deserve a better grade and pay RM100 on top of that. But if the grade changes I'll be refunded the money since it's their fault in the first place that I had to go through all the trouble to get my grade reviewed and changed. Wow, what a perfect way to start a semester, heh?

Fuck. And double hell.

I really hope and pray that the result changes to a Credit at the very least because I do not want to retake the subject again. And I sold off my text book as well anyway to another disenchanted student off to "enjoy" the world of marketing. I officially hate marketing now. I hated it before but now it's official. I think I should make a certificate for myself to officiate that.

Whew.

That's done. Right. Going to watch Episode 3 tomorrow. Finally. And I am enjoying this semester's lectures a lot more than the previous first one. Mainly because of the lecturers' ability to keep me awake during lessons. They're not as boring as the previous ones and they definitely try to get right to the point during classes as well and not drag it along for some joyride. I think that's all really.

This whole entry was to basically release some anger at a more conducive outlet rather than bash someone's head or take a pill or have a smoke or anything of that sort. Excuse me now while I go pound on my pillows and scream myself hoarse.

Jill |